blogging

I’m back. Hope the magic will follow.

/ wantonwordflirt / 10 Comments

In the last eight months not one person has asked me why I have not written a blog post. I could be devastated, crushed, demoralized. I could decide to scrap the whole thing.

Maybe I should quit.

But I am not going to. Not yet.

Why bother, you may ask, if no one even notices when you are missing?

Because even though no one wondered enough to ask me why I was no longer posting new content, when I looked at the analytics of my blog I discovered that even in my absence, new readers continued to discover the old posts. I have always said if my writing helps even one person, then it is worth my time.

I began my blog after reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson. I discovered beside writing memoir, she also had a blog: www.thebloggess.com   

Her writing focuses on her day to day struggle with anxiety and depression. She writes authentically, with sarcastic humor. She is an inspiration to me, as is every person trying to live their best life with health difficulties, either mental or physical. I would say that is damn near all of us this past year or so. And if it isn’t “us”, then it is someone near to our hearts.

Jenny now has two follow-up books to her debut memoir. Her struggles continue; her writing does too. Maybe Jenny Lawson doesn’t just write for an audience. Maybe she writes to save her life.

Maybe I don’t just write my blog posts for you. Maybe they are for me too.

If this post seems incoherent and scattered, you are not wrong. You would also be right if you guessed that is a reflection of my state of mind over the last eight months since my last post.

I did not write new blog posts because I typically wish to add a dose a humor to my stories. I’ve always been able to find humor in any situation, but over the course of the past months, even my dark medical humor was missing. And that folks is how I know I have not been myself.

I know I am not alone. Though I have not been present here, I have not been in seclusion. I have been off cavorting with words in other places. I’ve been in online courses and writing groups with other “creatives”. I’ve felt the weight of the longing for normalcy in our days, human connection, and the yearning for creativity to spark once again, in myself and others.

I’ve decided to stop waiting for creativity to strike like lightning, for the light bulb to appear over my head, and instead just get butt in chair, pen to the page, fingers to the keyboard, and let the magic return one word at a time.

And isn’t that how magic happens? Take a leap and believe.

the two “P” words….

/ wantonwordflirt / 12 Comments

Can you think of two words that start with “p” and fit together perfectly?

And no, all you innately sexual creatures, once again, I am not thinking of “that”. Remember, I told you before, this is not the place for sexually wanton writing, yet somehow ever since I said that, innuendo continues to appear.

The two seldom verbalized or admitted, but often practiced words, are the reason I have been away from my blog the last seventeen days. Of course I’m referring to procrastination and perfectionism. Usually when I am away from my blog for awhile it is because of one or the other, or both.

Recently I wrote a 2500 word short story for a timed international writing contest, NYC Midnight. One of my Underground Writing Cohort friends had tempted me to give it a whirl. I had a week to complete and submit the story after being assigned a genre, character, and a specific subject to be included.

Thanks to doing the story for the contest I became more self-aware. I discovered I can procrastinate perfectly. I never considered myself a perfectionist before. I now realized I was obviously wrong.

To be fair, the first three days I did have a migraine headache. Apparently people who have Sjogren’s are also prone to migraines at a more frequent rate than other migraine sufferers; hooray for us. Mine start by feeling like a vague sinus headache then build up to full frontal facial pain for three days. Needless to say pain encompassing my entire face is not conducive to my creative pursuits. So, right off the get go I was down to four days.

While I wasn’t sitting at my computer typing out my story I WAS doing what I do best – writing the story in my head. I told Mr. Wanton it would be extremely helpful to me if he, of technological expertise and mechanical invention, could possibly come up with something that could transcribe my thoughts automatically into a word document on my computer. You know, like verbal word transcription, but for my thoughts. He said “that is a bad, bad, idea.” What does he know? Oh yah, I usually tell him what I am thinking. Perhaps his opinion is of value in this instance.

Upon the end of the headache I should have been ready to type up my story, right? Wrong. For the next few days I proceeded to attack my long lost to-do list with a vengeance – the one that sits permanently on my desk, with items dating back to 1999, not all of which are crossed off yet.

Wow – more self-awareness – if I wanted to finally accomplish my least appealing tasks, the long overdue “leftovers” on my to-do list, all I had to do is commit myself to something I wanted to do even less, in this case the short story.

Perfect. I could put off the short story writing, not feeling guilty whatsoever, because I was getting lots of other stuff done. You know, important stuff – like organize my panties and socks, look up random symptoms via Google, watch Adele and Bruno Mars “Careoke” videos on YouTube repeatedly (okay, admittedly that wasn’t on my to-do list but in hindsight it should have been). I accidentally discovered the most seriously underrated motivational technique for overcoming procrastination ever.

So that brings me to this moment. How did I get over my procrastination to write a blog post today? Easy answer, the alternative was the now top priority item on my to-do list – personal income tax. Uh-huh, I definitely found what I can do perfectly every time.

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P.S. In case you are curious, I did complete the short story in eight hours on the seventh day, well before the midnight deadline.

Heartfelt but not Hallmark…

/ wantonwordflirt / 5 Comments

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Valentine’s Day always has me awash in mixed emotions. I suspect I am far from the only one who feels a pull between celebrating, ignoring, or simply acknowledging February 14th.

The cynics say it is just another “Hallmark holiday” – a day that is commercialized to increase sales of certain items such as cards, chocolates, lingerie, champagne, wine, diamonds, and dinners out. Of course, that is true. But, I dare say, the day should not just be for couples who are lovers, sweethearts, or life partners with fat wallets. It can be a day for anyone to remind someone how much they are loved.

If one strictly looks at the day in a romantic sense or in the commercialized way of what one is “supposed” to do, it is easy to become cynical. Viewing it by that definition opens one up to guilt, expectation and even comparison, all feelings we best avoid as no good will come of them.

Mr. Wanton and I used to celebrate Valentine’s Day every year, until his Dad died on that date about twenty-five years ago. The year after the death, I no longer received flowers, we did not go out on a date, and my funny but loving card went unreciprocated.

I was devastated, but pretended it didn’t matter. I made a delicious dinner for us at home, reminding myself what mattered most is that we loved each other and we were together. We never talked about his Dad’s passing then; we still don’t today.

Over the years following his Dad’s death I waited with anticipation for when we would return to our previous traditions of celebration, but it has never happened. Initially, I was hurt because I felt as though I was being punished for something I did not do.

My husband blames our lack of celebration and festivities on February 14th to having three sons born approximately nine months after Valentine’s Day. Mr. Wanton thinks it is hilarious to tell people he used to buy me champagne and roses every Valentine’s but after having three kids as a result of it, he had to put a stop to it.

I don’t laugh when he tells the story. I wish he could speak the real reason, but he can’t. Initially I went out of my way to attempt making February 14th a happy day, choosing just the right card for him, making a special dinner at home with some of his favourites, but then I stopped. Today will be a regular day for Mr. Wanton and I. That’s okay.

So what is the point of this tale of woe, with a seemingly “poor me” theme?

Well, this morning as I woke up and thought about what day it was, I thought about everyone who may not be having the fairy-tale Happy Valentine’s Day “as advertised”. I know there are people at this very moment who are feeling forgotten, unloved, and unworthy. You may be one of them.

I want you to know you are not alone, and you alone are “enough”. I want you to keep your heart soft, even if it hurts. Please don’t let it become hardened. If you don’t have someone to love today, do something you love. I want you to remember even on days you may not receive love, it is still yours to give. Give generously.

xoxoxox

Queen of Cliche’s Friday the 13th

/ wantonwordflirt / 3 Comments

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I have a confession to make – Mr. Wanton affectionately calls me the “Queen of Clichés”. Being a blogger, a writer, a sometimes poet, this is not a title I should be proud of in any way.

He crowned me the Queen after decades of daily use of such phrases as: I look like the wreck of the Hesperus and don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Admittedly, I do overuse clichés. I know it, I own it. When I write for public consumption I consciously attempt to avoid them. However, after the day I had yesterday I realize sometimes what happens in a day warrants the use of clichés; sometimes a brain just needs to rely on old stand-bys to get the job done.

Depending on your level of belief in superstition and how your day went yesterday you may understand what I am talking about. Yesterday was Friday the 13th, a supposed bad luck day. Since my eldest son was born on the 13th day, I personally consider it a lucky number, a lucky day.

As a child I avoided stepping on sidewalk cracks so my mother wouldn’t break her back, but I have never been one to avoid walking under ladders or feared black cats crossing my path. Moral of that story: I feared my mother much more than black cats or ladders.

So knowing full well the date, I went about my day yesterday filled with optimism and a sense of good fortune. Perhaps I was a little too smug in my outlook from the outset, you know what they say – Karma is a bitch. See? Sometimes clichés are really the best for what you want to say. Cut to the chase, everyone knows exactly what I am talking about.

So, my day away from home officially started with a haircut with a stylist who delivers a beyond relaxing shampoo and sensual scalp massage. Once confessing I nearly moaned out loud in the chair while she was running her fabulous nails along my scalp, she said I would not have been the first. (Notice how ever since I said this blog was not sexual in nature sexual innuendo has been popping up? It’s like that old childhood game when someone would say: “I will say a word and do not think of the word I say.” They say “blue”, and hence it is all you could think about.)

After my hair appointment, I ran a few errands in record time in the suddenly increasingly warm winter weather. I mailed a small parcel that fit into the letter size slot and was low enough in weight to be mailed as a letter instead of parcel saving me about ten dollars. The postal clerk said “It’s your lucky day!” It did indeed feel like it was, so next I went and bought a lottery ticket. Then I met a friend for tea downtown, later running into my son’s girlfriend and a book club friend to have a visit with as well. The sun was shining; I was on a roll having the most relaxing day.

Then I went home. That’s when the you know what hit the fan, the wheels fell off the bus, and the day from Hell began. I knew I shouldn’t have counted my chickens before they hatched. It was all too good to be true, the cliché is correct: all good things must come to an end.

And, do you think I won the lottery? Not a snowball’s chance in Hell.

Wanting to be Wanton

/ wantonwordflirt / 7 Comments

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I began this blog by naming it based on my intentions of what I would be posting. The word “wanton” (not to be confused with “wonton” of the Chinese soup and deep fried variety) has three different meanings.

The first is maliciousness or viciousness that is unprovoked, or with cruel intention. No, that is not what I had in mind. Definitely not going to virtually bitch slap anyone here (at least not intentionally). The second meaning involves sexual promiscuity and unchaste loose women, you know, like the ones who cavorted with pirates when their ships landed ashore. So if someone came upon the blog looking for porn or pirate tales, they too would be out of luck. Lastly, wanton also means to play or frolic.

It was my intention for this to be a place where I could frolic with words playfully and flirtatiously. I intended to be here at least several times a week, not just a handful of times per year. I didn’t want each post to take hours to write; rather it would be a place to spontaneously spurt out what might be on my mind at any given moment. Like a kitten walking along a sidewalk that spots a leaf and decides to pounce on it, throws itself on its back, tosses the leaf in the air, then struts off down the sidewalk again with nary a furtive glance back. Yes, that is what I desired to do here, with words.

As I opened the calendar today to the first day of the first month of a new year, I had a surging feeling of renewal. I began to reflect on what my goals were for the coming year. I became possessed by a sense of urgency to return to writing here; writing the way I initially intended to. So here I am with no idea of what might be to come in the days ahead, but ready to write come what may.

Happy New Year! Love and light to all – may you too be blessed with an urge to write, renew, revisit, frolic or pounce.

xoxo

ARGH! Fell off the learning curve today…thump.

/ wantonwordflirt / 4 Comments

Just a quick note to let followers/ readers know I am attempting to renovate some parts of my blog. I am experiencing some difficulty and lost some of my headers and content which I am in process of trying to rescue from cyberspace or parts unknown.

I will be adding some new “menu” items / categories, as well as including my publishing credits. Soon to follow will be a bit about my writing group members the “Underground Writing Cohorts”. So stay tuned.

Feeling less Wanton Word Flirt today and more Inept Blog Renovator….

….thanks for your patience!

Sick of hearing about Sjogren’s?

/ wantonwordflirt / 7 Comments

Are you sick of hearing about Sjogren’s Syndrome?

The topic came up this week on Christine Molloy’s Facebook page “Thoughts and Ramblings on Life, Love and Health”. Christine has a blog: http://www.christinemolloy.com She celebrated her 6th anniversary of beginning the blog by posting the link to her very first blog post again this week. Over the years she has posted about Sjogren’s but her blog is not exclusively about the syndrome. At the outset she made a conscious decision for it not to be. She stated she was more than Sjogren’s, so she intended her blog to be more than just that too.

Likewise I made a similar decision about my blog when I began. That is why I have a topic bar underneath my blog title, so people can chose to read just the Sjogren’s posts or random topics, just memoir or poems, or whichever combo thereof.

It is a common concern of most Sjogren’s patients (as I am sure is the same with sufferers of any other chronic illness) to not to talk about their illness all of the time. We are quite aware other people will get sick of hearing about it, because guess what? So do we.

Unfortunately it is not an easy ailment for patients to ignore since symptoms frequently affect a person from head to toe, literally.  It is chronic and without cure. There is no treatment specific to Sjogren’s; what treatments are available are often hit and miss.Relentlessly day after day, Sjogren’s is exhausting.

Even the minority of Sjogren’s patients who are not affected initially by overwhelming fatigue become tired because of the illness being so invasive of time, energy and finances. Fatigue is not just a physical symptom of the disease itself and the chronic flu-like pain so many suffer with, but also becomes a side effect of what it takes to manage the disease. A few years ago a chronic disease lifestyle study was done which showed that Sjogren’s was on par with Multiple Sclerosis as far as the patients’ day to day quality of life.

While admittedly we get tired of not just hearing about Sjogren’s but also living with it, many of us do feel it is critical to raise awareness of the disease, as well as reach out to support others, especially those who may be new to the diagnosis, or perhaps still seeking one. So for that reason I will continue to post about Sjogren’s from time to time, not just during awareness month but whenever the mood strikes me.

Am I doing it for attention, pity, sympathy, or to play the “my disease / symptoms are worse than yours” game? Absolutely not.

I do it to educate, so perhaps others who may be struggling with symptoms may have a shorter road to diagnosis and treatment than I had. I also do it in hope of creating better understanding not just of the medical aspects of Sjogren’s, but for the challenges that come along with living with the myriad of symptoms. I do it not just for the Sjogren’s patients but also for their loved ones, so that they too may have a better understanding of the syndrome, thus in turn the potential for greater patience and compassion. I do it because telling my story makes me feel better, and maybe just maybe, my story might do the same for you.

vanzant quote re story sharing

http://www.sjogrens.org
http://www.sjogrenscanada.org

No better day to return!

/ wantonwordflirt / 6 Comments

Upon waking this morning I grabbed the book on the top of the stack beside me, Patti Smith’s “M Train’. It had recently been recommended by
Eunice, a writer, mentor to many who have had attended one of her writing workshops, and the woman whose voice I always hear when I write.
Knowing I would have to be up early tomorrow, I allowed myself the luxury of remaining horizontal between the flannelette sheets to read for two
consecutive hours finishing the book.

I then picked up my phone to check my e-mails and Facebook. I was reminded today was International Women’s Day,
which reminded me in turn that today is Eunice’s birthday. How fitting, a woman who encourages women to tell their stories, celebrating her own birth
on the same day we celebrate women all over the world. In the post today I received a boxed collection of Alice Munro’s work I ordered awhile back.
Eunice’s workshop title is a play on words of Nobel-prize winning short story author Alice Munro’s novel “Lives of Girls and Women”.

Serendipity? Synchronicity? Fate? Power of intention? Female energy?

I’ve neglected my blog for over a year. I have procrastinated for weeks, contemplating my return. The universe was telling me today was the day.

Thank you Patti Smith. Thank you Eunice. Thank you Alice Munro. Thank you girls and women everywhere. I heard you all.

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No Champagne, No Cake…

/ wantonwordflirt / 5 Comments

Wanton Word Flirt is celebrating its first anniversary. Flinging myself into the blogosphere with few expectations and little foresight, here are a few random thoughts on the first year:

No champagne, no birthday cake… just wishes to write more wantonly. My writing has been “careful, safe, nice”. That was not my original intent. I want to laugh louder, cry harder, be more reckless if and when I want to be.

Opening my blog today I found a birthday gift of 100 followers. I am grateful for those who have been reading my words. You are from 52 different countries all over the world including Canada, USA, UK, Australia, Brazil, Netherlands, Fiji and more. Thank you all for visiting, reading, commenting, sharing, and inspiring.

Learning the technical aspects  of having a blog will be a work in progress. I do love my new look though!

Although I would write whether I blog or not, being part of a seemingly endless community of bloggers, poets, fiction writers, memoirists, and readers across the world is an invigorating experience for a writer.

I have discovered that kindred spirits, serendipity, and synergy abound; all I have to do is put my writing out in the world.

Cheers!

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I wanted to read your blog, but…

/ wantonwordflirt / 6 Comments

I recently “attended” a webinar about music websites. Tonight as I ventured around wordpress exploring blogs that were recommended to me, as well as numerous other blogs (you know how one leads to another, then another), I realized I have two recommendations about the actual blog sites. These two things were brought up at the music website webinar; I noticed the same definitely applies for blog sites:

* Do not use white text and / or elaborate fonts on a black or other dark color background as it is way too hard on the eyes. There was one blog tonight that could have had fabulous content but I will never know because I could not stand to read more than 2 sentences on the page. 😦

* Be sure readers can find your “follow” or sign up for e-mail notice button easily. I actually searched for minutes and never did find one on a couple blogs. 😦

I feel bad for these bloggers. Great writing could be missed out on, due to simple readability and accessibility issues. Make it easy for us, we don’t want to miss out on your great content!